suffering

Are we addicted to suffering?

I’ve been prone to the “5pm Monster” (as I like to call it) for a good while. The darkening feeling that creeps up inside me when the day is coming to a close.

I don’t know why it happens.

I want to be able to blame it on something.

I started to figure it out…

My addiction. My habit.

what addiction?

My addiction to suffering.

If you have ever read the amazing book, “The Four Agreements” you know what I’m referring to.

Humans are addicted to suffering. We know it so well. It makes us feel safe because we have been here so many times before. It starts to feel like a home.

This 5pm monster has several faces.

It usually starts out as self-punishment… for not eating correctly that day like I had previously planned… then self sabotage… the victim in my head wanting to be heard.

After all, I know the feeling so well… I eat well all day… then binge at night on anything… I’m not hungry… It’s almost as if my goal is to sabotage myself… then I feel frustrated and sad and gross and stupid… “why did I do that? I was so close. I almost got through it.”… I feel like I have no control over myself… anxiety… why can’t I get over this…. I try everyday….. then the self pity comes in… why me…

Ugh what an EXHAUSTING cycle am I right?

You would think I would just quit it, it sounds miserable!

It is miserable!

I never understood the root of my problem. My problem isn’t that I love food or that I have this crazy big appetite and literally can not control my actions…

The root of my problem goes so much deeper.

I CRAVE control… I need to feel in control… because the judge in my head is telling me that if I do not have control, I won’t be perfect… and if I am not perfect… I will be rejected by others… and I will not be loved.

Sounds extreme and maybe unrelated.

It’s not.

This is a very personal example of an underlying issue that shows itself in different symptoms.

Emotional side effects of the deep rooted truth.

I tried for so long to “fix” my problem by fixing my diet. Eat less calories. Run after a binge. Throw up after a binge. Starve myself for a while after. Hide all the food, or better yet don’t buy any food for the house.

Temporary fixes.

It wasn’t until I realized my suffering… my anxiety, depression, OCD, guilt and other stupid emotional crap wasn’t going to go away without a fight.

I started going to therapy. I started to look myself in the mirror and tell myself I loved who I was. I started to be grateful. I learned that if we don’t confront who we truly are, and what we are truly feeling when we feel it… it gets buried deep in our soul. Then, that negativity will grow, it will change it’s shape and come out as an ugly monster of emotional poison.

As long as I can remember, I always hid my emotions… I always bottled them up. Fearful of rejection.

I was observant. I knew what made people like other people. I molded, I put on a social mask, I buried my anger, sadness, insecurity, even some of my passion. I masked it all with humor, gossip, and other things that we as humans do to gain favor of our peers.

How toxic. Never telling anyone when I was really hurt, when I was upset or when I really wanted to do something but felt scared to go for it… I buried it deep within myself. Hoping it would dissapear.

It didn’t. That perfectionism and the overwhelming need to be “accepted” and not only accepted but LOVED came oozing out of me in ways that I didn’t realize.

I realize how silly that is. I now know that in order to be truly happy we must be who we truly TRULY are and we must never use our words or force to go against that.

That whole time I was addicted to suffering behind a false mask of who I wanted to be for other people because I thought that happiness was being liked by others…

It is not… happiness is being open. happiness is being your pure, true self.

Happiness is the opposite of fear.

Happiness is acceptance.

Acceptance is letting go of your version of the story.

happiness is gratitude. happiness is selflessness. happiness is loving others unconditionally.

love yourself and turn your thoughts towards gratitude, positivity, and passion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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